Comfort and Joy in Spiritual Depression

Spiritual Depression.  Not a great place to be.  But this is where I have found myself for the past few years.  I have good days and then I have really down days, where the heaviness of my spirit and the anguish of my heart is so incredibly unbearable, I can barely feel the grace and mercy of God.  Satan knows this is my weakness, and he attacks me on all sides.  No matter how many times I rebuke him and no matter how much Scripture I use against him, the attacks still grow stronger.  I’ve allowed myself to become angry at God when these attacks are so strong I can’t even see straight.  I don’t want to be angry with Him, but during these times, I am so distraught that I just want help.  I just cry out, “God! You are more powerful than Satan.  You already have victory over him.  Why won’t you just help me!”  But this help, this wonderful help, that I know for a fact is more powerful than the enemy, seems so far away.  But something inside my heart, deep within my soul, draws me closer to God.  In the times where I most want to just give up, throw my hands in the air, and tell God I’m done, that I can’t take it anymore - when I’m so angry at Him for not allowing me to just feel His presence and feel that He is fighting for me, interceding for me - these are the times when something pushes me closer to Him.  I may not can feel Him.  But He is right there doing the very thing I want Him to do.  He is praying for me, groaning for me, interceding for me.  He is fighting a spiritual battle for me that I am incapable of fighting myself.  You may ask, “How do you know that He is in fact doing this for you?”  Because His Word proclaims it.  That is the promise I will stand on when I all I want to do is fall.  When I feel nothing, I know that I can still stand firm in my faith.  Not because of my own strength or capability but because of His. I want my faith and my belief to be perfected here on this earth, but that cannot happen.  It will not be made perfect until I am united with Christ in heaven.  So what I have to offer him, which is nothing, He will make sufficient.  In the times where the doubts and fears are so all-consuming, I will look to the cross.  The cross and the blood that so many people find offensive, I find precious.  His precious blood is what takes away my sin and the sins of the whole world. He said that all I have to do is call upon His name, and I will be saved.  The end.  It is done, finished, and just as simple as that. So that is the faith, no matter how weak or feeble it may seem to me, that I will stand firm upon during this time of spiritual depression.  I will no longer feel defeated, disappointed, and ashamed.  I will feel joy and rejoice in my wonderful Savior.  Because it is during the valleys that I will draw closer to Him.  This is a time of growth, not a time of despair.  I will not despair, and I will not be destroyed.  I have freedom in Christ and I will not allow that freedom to be taken away from me.  I will not give up the gospel of freedom for the yoke of slavery.  

Last night, I wanted to read my Bible and have the Holy Spirit open the eyes of my heart to the precious Scripture and to help me understand how His word applies to me today.  I have a daily Bible reading plan and the next set of passages were in 1 Kings. But for some reason, my eye jumped ahead to the book of Lamentations and something just made me go ahead and read that first.  So I did.  Now I know that all Scripture may not be directly written to me, but it is all written for me.  I believe with all my heart, that my Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus, led me to this book.  He knew I needed to be comforted and assured and He provided just what I needed when I couldn’t take any more oppression.  

Lamentations 3: 17-33

..my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “my endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.” Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.  

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  “The Lord is my portion” says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him.”  The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.  It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.  Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust - there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.

For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he causes grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.

verses 52-66

I have been hunted like a bird by those who were my enemies without cause; they flung me alive into the pit and cast stones on me; water closed over my head; I said, “I am lost.”  I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, “Do not close your ear to my cry for help!” You came near when I called on you; you said, “Do not fear!”  You have taken up my cause O Lord; you have redeemed my life.  You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord; judge my cause.  You have seen all their vengeance, all their plots against me.  You have heard their taunts, O Lord, all their plots against me.  The lips and thoughts of my assailants are against me all the day long.  Behold their sitting and their rising; I am the object of their taunts.  You will repay them, O Lord, according to the work of their hands.  You will give them dullness of heart; your curse will be on them.  You will pursue them in anger and destroy them from under your heavens, O Lord.

I'm the One to Blame

Last night, our church put on a wonderful Easter Cantata.  During the music, images of Christ in his final days were played on a big screen.  Some of the images were very difficult to watch.  The video showed Jesus being beaten, tortured, and humiliated.  I found myself getting so angry at the people doing this to Him.  How could they do this to the Son of the Living God?  How could they allow Him to go through this horrible suffering? 

And then, I saw myself doing all of that to Jesus.  I saw myself beating Him, torturing Him, humiliating Him.  I saw myself sentencing an innocent man to die.  How could I so easily be angry at the people actually doing this to Him and not myself? 

GRACE.  MERCY.  LOVE.  FORGIVENESS.

Every person on this earth.. past, present, and future.. nailed Jesus to the cross.  Our sins are the reason that He had to suffer and die.  WHY?  Why aren't we punished? Jesus was innocent.  He was perfect in every way, doing no wrong, committing no sin.  But He became sin for us, so that we might share in the righteousness of God.  We should all suffer the judgement and wrath of God.  We are all sinners.  Dirty, ugly, sinners with black hearts, unacceptable before God. 

God knew that there was nothing we could do to escape His wrath.  He knew that no good deed, no amount of praying, sacrificing, fasting, or keeping the law would save us.  Our salvation is not found in any of those things.  God knew that we could only be saved from His horrific wrath, if He offered the perfect, atoning sacrifice for us.  Through the blood of Jesus, all of us can experience salvation from God's judgement and wrath.  It's a free gift.  FREE.  We just have to accept it.

We try to make accepting this free gift hard.  We try to attach strings to the freedom found in Christ.  There are no strings, there are no requirements, there is nothing that we can do to earn it.  IT IS FREE.  We just have to simply accept what He did for us.  We did NOTHING.  HE did EVERYTHING.  His precious blood washes us white as snow. 

Professing faith in Christ and becoming a follower of Him, isn't always easy.  As a matter of fact, most of the time it is very hard.  It would be pretty awesome if things were just perfection for you after receiving salvation.  But things aren't always awesome, or wonderful, or perfect.   But Jesus.. He is awesome, He is wonderful, He is perfect. We can find rest in Him.  True rest and true peace in our hearts, despite our circumstances.  He will carry you, He will fight for you, He will be your strength.  In this world, we will have trouble.. but CHRIST HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD!  Praise Jesus! 

We will be celebrating Resurrection Sunday in less than a week.  I pray that all of us will celebrate it in our hearts daily.  He is the RISEN SAVIOR! 

My Inner Struggles

As I'm starting to write this, I don't even know for sure if I will publish it.  Who wants the world (or even a few close friends) to know what my imperfections and struggles are?  But maybe by sharing what I have been going through, will help someone else.  And maybe writing about it will help me. 

For the past several weeks, I have been in a big time spiritual low.  Almost a depression, which I know immediately can not be from God.  I just feel sad all the time and I don't know how to fix it.  I am not a sad person.  I almost don't know how to be sad about nothing.  But I am.  I would like to think it's the pregnancy hormones, or the exhaustion, the pain from my gall bladder, the sleepless nights... and I'm sure that's part of it.. but maybe there is something more. 

Most of my adult life I have struggled with my salvation.  I have struggled with doubts.  I have struggled with the fact that God's gift to me is exactly that.. a gift.. no strings attached.. no works involved.. no merit earned on my part.  It just seems too easy.  But I as I was rocking Mary Tate today and praying for help because I didn't know what else to pray for.. this little voice inside my head said that God doesn't trick people.  Nothing about salvation is a trick.  God says in His word that it is a gift freely given to all who accept His Son.  He doesn't expect one thing in return.  Nothing.  He loves me that much.  So why do I struggle with this?  I don't think I'm the only one.  There has to be others out there who feel the way I feel.  I feel guilty.  Guilty that I have wasted most of my life living for myself.  Doing absolutely nothing for my Savior. 

But then I turn to Romans.  Romans is probably my favorite book in the Bible because it reminds me that ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD.  None is righteous.. no not one!  It reminds me that I can't do ANYTING to earn God's grace.  His grace, his love, his mercy have been freely given to me when I accepted Him as my Savior.  He saved me FOR good works, not BY good works.  My works cannot and will not save me.. only the precious blood of Jesus that was poured out for me.

But I want more desire, I want more of Him!  And it makes me sad that I can't wake up one day and be this grown up, spiritually mature Christian who knows and understands everything.  And then I'm reminded that if it were so easy, I might not have any need for a Savior.  I'm learning second by second, that God is growing me into the person that He has made me to be.  He is developing the fruits of the spirit in my life second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, year by year.  And it won't ever stop as long as I allow the Spirit to work in my life.  He who started a good work in me will see it through to completion and I believe that completion will come when I die, or when Jesus returns.  Then I will be complete.  Complete because I will be with Him. 

But I still worry, I still have anxiety.  But God's word says to not be anxious about anything but in EVERYTING with prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God.  So I'm working on that.  And I ask that you pray for me. 

Why Belief Matters

Yesterday, I listened to some audio CDs by Josh McDowell, entitled, "Why Belief Matters".  I think EVERY parent should go out and buy a copy right this minute.  He gave me some very valuable information that I must pass on to you.  Everything presented in this post is something I learned from Josh McDowell.  I added some tid-bits and personal experience here and there, but the information came from him.

Background on Josh McDowell:  He did not grow up in a Christian home.  His father was the town drunk, his mother died of a broken heart, his sister committed suicide, and his brother was not very nice.  When he went to college, he noticed a group of professors and students that seemed different than everyone else.  They had a joy about them and he wanted to know where it came from.  So one day, he asked, "Why are you different?"  One of the girls in the group answered him with two words: "Jesus Christ".  He became angry and reacted very strongly.  This anger stemmed from his childhood that he goes into detail about on the CDs.  He decided right then and there, that he was going to prove them wrong.  So he dropped out of college and devoted all of his time and study to refuting Christianity.  After extensive study, he came to the conclusion that it was all true and accepted Christ as his Savior and Lord. 

Josh McDowell says that it matters WHAT we believe and WHY we believe it.  He states that the Bible is not true because he believes it.  He says that he believes it because it is true! Our belief system forms our values and our values drive our behavior.  He states that it is of utmost importantance that we, as parents, know WHY we believe what we believe.  He gave some astounding percentages that literally scared me to death.  There is such a high percentage of children who grow up in Christian homes, and later in life, deny Christ, because there is so much that the world has offered them.  The world has offered them more theories, more explanations, more history, more archaeology, etc, and we haven't given them the TRUTH they need to stand strong in their faith.  They are believing a lie from Satan himself, and we are responsible. 

After I listened to this section of the CD, I was attacked by Satan.  I felt this overwhelming feeling come over me of complete and utter failure.  My child is 2 years old, so why would I already feel failure?  Satan wanted me to feel like this is something I could never do - that this was too great a responsibility and that I should just go ahead and give up.  But as quickly as that feeling came over me, it left - because a peace washed over me and Jesus reassured me.  I felt like He was saying to me, "Megan, you can't do it - you will never be able to do it.  But you have MY STRENGTH.  You can do all things through me who gives you strength." I believe him, without a shadow of a doubt.  It is an amazing responsibility that I have been given by God to guide my children, and I don't take it lightly.  I take it very seriously.  I know that ultimately, they have a choice to make, to either accept or deny Christ.  But it is my responsibility to guide and to teach.  As the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

McDowell states that kids today process things differently that we do.  He introduces something called "relational apologetics" which joins TRUTH with RELATIONSHIP.  He says that truth without relationship leads to rejection.  Basically that means that belief in God without a personal relationship with Him leads to rejection of Him.  Even Satan "believes" in God.  Anyone can believe there is a God, but not everyone chooses to have a personal relationship with Him. 
So what do we do? 

McDowell outlines 4 things we need to do as parents:
1) We have to build relationships with our children. 
2) We must help them develop convictions - to show our children that the truths are relationally relevant

Parents say, "If it's true, it works."  Children say, " If it works, it's true." They are creating their own truth and not discovering that God is the Creator of Truth.  They need to know that the most important relationship in their life is with God, and their relationship with Him will affect all of their other relationships.

Our children need to know WHY it's true and we need to teach them how to apply this truth to their lives - because if they don't experience it - it will never become a conviction!

3) We must model the truth before them. 

When I was growing up, I would encounter "hypocrites" but that didn't make me doubt the truth about God.  I just thought they didn't have it together.  But McDowell states that when our children see people (including parents) going against the very things they are teaching) then they think that what the parents are teaching must not be true, since the parents aren't living it.  That saying "Do as I say, not as I do" needs to be thrown out the window!  We want our children to model us, and we in turn need to be modeling Christ!

4) We need to make sure it's relational (with God and with others)

We must present truth in the context of relationships and we must also have a connecting relationship with our children.

Exodus 34:14 says, "You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you."

Why is God jealous about His relationship with us?  Because, He created us to have a personal relationship with Him and He is passionate about loving us.  This is something I will never understand since I know that humans (including myself) are evil.  But thank God, He made a way for me to be seen as righteous in eyes.  Thank God for the blood covering of Jesus that washes me white as snow - making me presentable to Him. 

McDowell goes on to explain this passionate love of God:

1) God's love takes the initiative

John 3:16 - For God so LOVED the world, that He GAVE His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

1 John 4: 10 - This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

2) God's love is sacrificial

Read the above verses (John 3:16, 1 John 4:10)

3) God's love is knowledgeable

Psalm 139: 1-6 -  O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

What I think is so great about God's love being knowledgeable is this:  He KNOWS me and He STILL loves me!  I mean that is some serious love! 

4) God's love is extensive

John 15:9 - I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.

Jesus loves us the same way that God the Father loves him.  WOW! How could we not remain in that kind of love!

But how do we know that what we believe is absolute truth (not our truth, but GOD'S TRUTH)?

There are over 300 prophesies in the Old Testament of the Bible, JUST about Jesus that have been fulfilled. McDowell gives only 8 of them.

1) Genesis 3:15 - makes a reference to the "seed of woman." Normally we see "seed of man" but when you see "seed of woman" it refers to the virgin birth - There was no man involved - only God and Mary. (The Messiah would be born of a virgin)

We also see in Genesis, that the Messiah would be of the lineage of Shem and the descendent of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  This really narrows it down.  Noah had 3 sons but the line of the Messiah would be through Shem.  Abraham had 8 children, but God points to Isaac.  Isaac had twins - Jacob and Esau - but God once again specifies that the Messiah would be a descendent of Jacob. 

2) Genesis 49:10 - Jesus will be from the tribe of Judah.  From Jacob, came the 12 tribes of Israel through his sons, but God gets even more specific by stating that the Messiah would come from the tribe of Judah.

3) Isaiah 11: 1 - The family line of the Messiah would be through Jesse

4) Jeremiah 23: 5 - The Messiah will come from the house of David

Okay let's just stop right there.  God didn't have to get this specific.  But he did.  He outlined,  BEFORE Jesus ever came into the world, specifically where he would come from, and it was FULFILLED!

5) Psalm 22:16 (reference to the crucifixion - hands and feet pierced against a tree)  The method of how Christ would be crucified did not even exist at the time of this prophesy.  As a matter of fact, it didn't exist until 800 years later!

6) Psalm 41:9 (prophesies how the Messiah will be betrayed by a close friend)  Judas Iscariot was one of his disciples - I don't think you can get any closer than that!

7) Zechariah 11: 12-13 (prophesies that the Messiah would be betrayed by 30 pieces of silver)  Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot for 30 pieces of silver - not 29 pieces, not 31 pieces - 30 pieces!

8) Micah 5:2 (prophesies that the Messiah would come from Bethlehem).  Jesus was BORN in Bethlehem - out of all the towns in the world - He was born in the town that was prophesied to be the town of his birth.

McDowell only listed 8 of these prophesies.  He said that for all 8 of these prophesies to be fulfilled through ONE person, would be nearly impossible.  It would be like filling up the state of Texas, 2 feet deep in silver dollars.  Then picking up one of the silver dollars and marking it with an X and throwing it back down.  Then bull dozing the entire state to mix it up with the other silver dollars.  Then placing a man, blindfolded, on one end of Texas and having him walk wherever he wanted and pick up a silver dollar.  Then for that silver dollar to be the one with the X on it, is the same as having these 8 prophesies fulfilled in just ONE man.  But Jesus fulfilled not just 8, but over 300!  That is incredible odds.  How could it NOT be true!  IT IS TRUE! He is TRUTH! 

So now we know that IT IS TRUE and WE ARE LOVED!

McDowell goes on to say that Christianity is different from all the other religions of the world.  Christianity is NOT a religion.  Religion is about people trying to work their way to God through rules and ritual.  But Christianity is about a relationship with a God who is passionate about a relationship with US!  No work has to be done on our part.  God did all the work for us! We can't get to heaven on our own merit!

So now what?  What can we do to bring our children to the point of accepting the truth of Christ?

McDowells outlines 7 biblical principles on how we build relationships with our children that our based on God's relationship with us.  But first he states that the PARENT is the most influential person in a child's life! WOW! I would have guessed Hollywood, or NFL stars, or friends.  NO!  We (parents) are the people our children look to as an influence.  If we do not nurture our children, they will most likely walk away from the truth. Their future is in OUR HANDS!  Well I hope you feel the weight of that responsibility the way I did!  It sure is heavy - but give it to Jesus!  He will carry you through this.  McDowells says that there is no guarantee to parenting.  We might do all the right things and our children might still make the choice to deny Christ.  But McDowell says that if we apply the right principles, it will seldom happen.  I just want to know that I gave it my all when it comes time for my children to make the MOST IMPORTANT decision that they will ever make in their life.  I want to be able to say that I did all I could do, and I couldn't have done another thing.  At that point, I will just have to place my children at the foot of the cross, and pray that they choose to follow Christ.  Jesus has done his part.  He died for their sins.  I WILL have done my part (with God's help and direction) by guiding them to Him.  Then it's up to them.  It's up to Mary Tate and it's up to Miller.  It's their choice. 

McDowell's 7 Biblical Principles to Apply to Our Relationship with Our Children:

1) Affirmation - We need to validate or confirm our children's emotions and feelings.  It gives them authenticity when we share in their feelings (Romans 12: 15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.")  Don't just brush off your child's feelings.  Feel what they feel, be happy when they are happy, be sad when they are sad.  The Bible doesn't say to give them 3 ways they could have done it better, or quote scripture at them.  It says to SHARE in their feelings.

2) Show them unconditional acceptance - this gives them a sense of security (Psalm 4:4 says, "what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?  Psalm 139: 13-18 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.") God cares for us UNCONDITIONALLY!  He sent His son to die for us while we were STILL SINNERS.  He knew us and cared for us and loved us before we were created.  Our children need to know that no matter what they do, we are going to still love them and accept them.  I don't think this means we condone their actions.  God doesn't condone our sin - but he still loves us regardless of it!

3) Appreciation - This says to them that they are significant. (Matthew 3:17 says, "And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”) God himself showed appreciation for His son Jesus.  Paul expressed his appreciation for the churches in most of his epistles.  A lot of parents, myself included, catch our children doing something wrong, and then correct them.  But we should catch them doing something right and let them know how much we appreciate it.

4) Be available and approachable - This says to them that they are important.  (Matthew 19:14 says, "Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” )  Jesus was available to these little children.  He did not want the disciples to get in the way of these children coming to Him.  We should be available to our children.  When they need us, we should be there.  I struggle with this one, especially when I am getting ready for work in the morning.  That seems to be the time that my child most wants to love on me.  Of course, I'm usually running behind and sometimes push her away.  But she wants me! She wants me to love on her.  So I have tried to take a minute, stop what I'm doing, pick her up, and hold her.  I tell her how much I love her.  Usually, she doesn't sit there more than a minute since she is such a busy body, but for that one little minute that didn't at all take away from my day, she felt loved and important.  I was available to her and she will continue to approach me, not just for hugs, but for other things later in life, because she knows that I have time for her. 

5) Affection (with appropriate physical expression) - This gives them a sense that they are lovable.  We can look in the gospel of John and find that to love is a commandment from God.  Children long to be hugged, kissed, and patted.  They thrive off affection and I don't think you can ever give them too much. 

6) Approach their world - This says to them that what is important to them is important to us.  (1 Corinthians 13:5 says, "It (love) does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.")  The word that stands out to me in this verse is "self-seeking".  We need to do things with them that they like to do.  We don't need to make them do something that we want to do in order to spend time with them.  If they like hunting, learn to shoot a gun.  If they read comic books, ask them questions about their favorite heros.  If they take dance lessons, go to their recitals. 

7) Develop accountability - Set reasonable limits and boundaries and this gives them a sense of responsibility and self-control.  (Romans 14:12 says, "So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God."  Galations 6:5 says, "for each one should carry their own load.")  We need to be preparing our children to hold themselves accountable because one day they will give an account to God.  I believe that children want boundaries.  They need that kind of structure. It stabilizes their environment.  Sometimes, we need to allow our children to bear some of their own burdens.  We can't always fix everything.  They need to be accountable.  If they didn't study for a test, and they fail it, it is not our job to call the teacher and give excuses for our child.  The child needs to learn that if they don't study for a test, then they will most likely get a bad grade.  What does this teach them? It teaches them that they are responsible for their own actions. 

This is a lot to digest but I believe that God has given us specific instructions in His word on how to raise our children and Josh McDowell did a great job of outlining these principles for us.  If you think about it, you are probably applying most of these principles already.  But there are probably some that are harder for you than others.  Just continue to trust God and allow Him to teach you how to teach your children.  Rely on His strength and His patience. 

I want to ask my friends and family to hold me accountable to these principles.  There are certain issues I struggle with as well and I am going to need a lot of prayer and a lot of help. Thank you already for the support!

Lastly, I just want to thank my parents.  I have incredible parents.  They are absolutely the best parents in the whole wide world.  As I was listening to Josh McDowell outline these 7 principles, I thought about my parents.  They never listened to the CD or read Josh McDowell's books, yet they applied all of these principles with their children.  I don't know how they knew what to do, other than that they listened to God and were obedient to His commands.  First and foremost, they put God first in their marriage and in our family.  God came first, period.  Secondly, they made sure they maintained a loving marriage, which was a great model for me and my two brothers.  Thirdly, they applied the 7 principles listed above to build a relationship with us.  I would like to give you some examples of how they did that with each principle. 

My parents never brushed off my emotions.  If I was happy, they were ecstatic.  When I cried, they cried with me.  When my heart was broken over some silly boy, my mother's heart was broken along with mine.  They felt what I felt. 

My parents accepted me and my brothers unconditionally. Even when I went through a wild stage in college, they still loved me.  They never gave up on me and they never stopped praying for me. And I knew it, beyond a shadow of a doubt.  I knew in my heart that there was NOTHING that I could do that would make them stop loving me. 

My parents also showed me that they appreciated me.  Everytime I did something that I thought was significant, whether it be folding the laundry or making good grades, my parents let me know how proud they were of me.  When they told me how much they appreciated me, it usually made me want to strive that much more to do just as good or better the next time. 

My parents were also available to me.  My mama layed down in my bed with me almost every single night and let me just talk to her about my life.  She made me feel that if something was important to me, then it was also important to her. Because she made me feel this way, I wanted to tell her things that most children would not want to share with their parents.  My daddy took me on dates.  Just me and him, sharing dinner and a movie. I loved that time with my daddy. 

My parents also showed me affection and let me tell you that we are a very affectionate family.  There were endless hugs and kisses at my house.  I have to admit that my mama rocked me until I got married and would still rock me if I asked her too.  Me and my brothers were never ashamed to kiss my daddy goodbye as he dropped us off at school.  I didn't know too many fathers that still showed physical affection to their high school sons but my daddy never stopped and he hasn't yet.  We can't even leave their house until we have hugged and kissed them good-bye, although I will tell you that when grandchildren enter the picture, they begin to get most of your affection! 

My parents approached our world.  They became interested in things that interested us.  My daddy wasn't much for hunting or dance recitals but he started hunting and he came to every single one of my dance recitals.  My mama was never in a sorority in college, but she wanted to know all about my sorority life.  My parents never missed a football game, basketball game, track meet, or cheerleading event.  There would be some weeks when they had to do something every night - my youngest brother played pee-wee football on Tuesday, my other brother played junior high football on Thursday, and I cheered for the high school games on Friday.  That's a pretty busy schedule, but my parents never made us feel like it was a burden.  They always seemed so excited to be going when we were involved in something. 

My parents set reasonable boundaries and held us accountable.  They taught us to respect adults, even when they disagreed with them.  Of course, we never knew that they disagreed.  If we made a bad grade because of our own carelessness or lack of study, then we suffered the consequence.  If we got mad at one of our friends, they didn't call the friend's parent to try to work it out.   They didn't fight our battles for us, and I think this allowed us to become responsible adults. We learned that we were accountable for our own actions.  That every action has a reaction. 

Mama and Daddy, I love you more than you could ever know and I am so blessed that you followed all these Biblical principles.  I am so grateful to you for the things you have taught us and for the importance you placed on Jesus Christ.  I know that it was ultimately my choice to accept or deny Him, but you can know that you did everything you could do to lead me there.  And it has paid off!  He is my Savior and Lord just as you allowed Him to be your Savior and Lord.  I don't know yet, since Mary Tate is only 2 years old and Miller is still growing in my belly, but I know that one day, if they make the same choice I made, that it will be the most joyful day in all my life, more joyful than when I brought them into this world.  So I know that you have felt that same joy knowing that all 3 of your children have the made the choice to follow Christ.  I know that when both of you get to Heaven, God is going to say to you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."  I never knew how much you loved me until Mary Tate entered this world, but I know now.  It's funny, but Mama, when you told me that no one could ever love me the way you do because you carried me under your heart for 9 months, I believed you.  I think most kids would just think that was silly talk, but I actually believed you and it's because you showed me everyday just how much you loved me.  Josh and I both want to model our parenting after you and Daddy.  Thank you so much for everything.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  Love, Megan








    

An Everlasting Covenant

Once again, Dr. J. Vernon McGee has pointed out something in his commentary of Genesis that I never really thought about.  It has to do with His covenant with Abraham.  The actual covenant is found in this passage:

Genesis 12: 1-3

¹ The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.
 ² “I will make you into a great nation,
   and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
   and you will be a blessing.
³ I will bless those who bless you,
   and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
   will be blessed through you.”

Abraham was a very practical man, and in the customs of his day, any time you went into contract with someone else, there was a ceremony to seal the promise.  So in Chapter 15 of Genesis, you see Abraham ask, "Lord, how can I know".  He wanted God to seal the promise or covenant He had made with him.  Below is the passage that contains the ceremony.


Genesis 15: 8-12, 17-21

⁸ But Abram said, “Sovereign LORD, how can I know that I will gain possession of it?”
⁹ So the LORD said to him, “Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.”
¹⁰ Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half.
¹¹ Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.
¹² As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him.

(skipping ahead a few verses)

¹⁷ When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces.
¹⁸ On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram and said, “To your descendants I give this land, from the Wadi of Egypt to the great river, the Euphrates—
¹⁹ the land of the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, ²⁰ Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, ²¹ Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites.”


First of all, it is important to understand what a covenant is.  A covenant is an agreement between two parties.  There are two types of covenants: conditional and unconditional.  A conditional covenant is an agreement that is binding on both parties for its fulfillment.  Both parties agree to fulfill certain conditions.  If either party fails to meet their responsibilities, the covenant is broken and neither party has to fulfill the expectations of the covenant.  An unconditional covenant is an agreement between two parties, but only one of the two parties has to do something.  Nothing is required of the other party.  (explanation taken from www.gotquestions.org)

The covenant that God made with Abraham was an unconditional covenant.  It required NOTHING on Abraham's part and EVERYTHING on God's part.  God was responsible for fulfilling the covenant. 

Back in that time, this ceremony consisted of taking certain animals, dividing them into two pieces, and then both parties involved in the agreement would pass between the pieces of animals.  God caused a deep, paralyzing sleep to fall on Abraham.  This would not allow Abraham to pass between the divided animals.  God did this because He was taking on the full responsibility of the covenant.  God alone would pass through the divided animals.  This signified the fact that fulfillment of the covenant would fall to God, and Abraham would have to do nothing on his part. 

Well let's jump ahead to the covenant God made with us when He allowed His one and only Son to be crucified on a cross for our sins.  We were not present when that took place.  We came into the picture about 2000 years later.  We couldn't enter into a conditional covenant with Him, because we were simply not there.  It was Christ alone who bore the responsibility for our sins.  He was saying to us, that we are not responsible and that he alone would fulfill His unconditional promise to us.  Here is his promise in a nutshell. 

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER believes in Him, will not perish, but have everlasting life. 

We don't have to fulfill any agreement.  It is God's agreement with us that if we believe in His Son, we will be saved.  He is the one that will save us.  We can't save ourselves. 

Dr. J. Vernon McGee, in his commentary on Genesis, told this story.  I don't have the commentary with me as I write this, and I am going strictly by memory, but the point will be the same.

A boy goes away to college and returns home.  He returns full of doubts about God and salvation.  He asks his mother how she can believe that God will really save her soul, since her soul is one of many.  How could God remember her poor, insignificant, little soul?  His mother thought about this and told him that her soul might be insignificant but God had made a promise to her.  The way she saw it was that she didn't have anything to lose.  But God had everything to lose.  If he didn't fulfill his unconditional promise to her then His reputation was at stake. 

 You see, God is not a liar, and he never will be.  You can KNOW that when God makes a promise, He fully intends to keep it.  It might not be within our timelines, but his promise will be fulfilled.  Our souls probably do seem insignificant to us, but they are tremendously important to God.  So important to Him, that He allowed His Son to suffer and die for them.  How many of you can say that you would give up your child to death on a cross for someone else's soul.  I don't think there is one person out there that can say that.  The price for our souls has already been paid.  Our sins have been forgiven.  My husband reminded me this morning that God doesn't "reluctantly" save us.  He immediately sweeps us up into his loving arms the very moment we give our all to Him.  I'm so glad that my soul was significant to Him - the ONE TRUE GOD.  Praise God that He always fulfills His promises!

Joy through Loss

This was from a post (last week) on my private blog that I share with friends and family but I thought some of you might benefit from reading my story. So here it is!

Monday, January 17.. My Grayson would have been 3 years old.  But God had a better plan for my life.  I believe with all my heart that he knows what is best for each and every one of His children, and I thank God that He is in control, because I would sure hate to know that something so great is up to me.  Looking back over the past 3 years, I see how God used my pain for His glory.  He has brought me and Josh into true fellowship with Him.  He has renewed my relationship with Josh.  He has changed my heart, my mind, and my soul.  I'm still not perfect, nor will I ever be.  His word says, that no one is righteous.. no not one!  But by the shedding of his blood, I am now clothed in His righteousness. As I look back over my testimony that I wrote a few years ago, I see things in a new light.  Although I wasn't angry at God at first, I did become angry at Him later.  Thank goodness it didn't last long.  But looking back, I should have never been angry with Him.  Although he allows suffering to come into our life, He doesn't cause it.  Pain and suffering that we experience here on this earth is a result of the fall of man.  We are all evil.  That is the human nature of EVERYONE.  But Christ came to give us a new nature.  I praise God for that all the time!  He is faithful and just ALL THE TIME.  Because he is faithful, he says in Revelation that one day He will wipe away every tear and there will be no more sadness.  PRAISE GOD!  When Grayson died, he was separated from me on this earth but I have hope and faith that we won't be separated forever.  I will see him again.  But I think that once I get to Heaven, I might not even think about Grayson.  I believe I will be in such awe of my Saviour that the things of this Earth will dim in comparison.  I hope that as you read this you will not see me at all.  It is my prayer that you will see only God and how great and wonderful He is. 


Testimony I wrote a couple of years ago:
I have felt really led by the Lord to share my journey with each of you. As many of you know over a year ago I miscarried twice... A little boy, Grayson and another baby that I carried for only 6 weeks. It was the most trying thing I have ever had to face in my life and I didn't know if I would ever make it through. I initially wanted to be angry at God but I knew if I let myself explore that anger I might never return from it. So I clung to Him and rested in his peace and strength. I didn't know why God was allowing me to experience so much pain but I knew it had to be a part of His will for my life. I had a Bible verse I read over and over again to give me strength. Romans 5: 2-5 says: "we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." I prayed that verse for my life so many times. I do want you to know that anger finally did come a few months later. I was so angry.. angry at God and myself. It was so hard for me to keep that renewed strength, trust, faith and peace. Satan really tried to attack me and keep me from trusting God. But through God's strength I made it through and knew that God ultimately knew and still knows what is best for me and he is not going to give me anything I cannot handle. When I became pregnant with MT, it became hard for me to pray. I didn't even know how to pray because I know that God is sovereign and I didn't think it would matter if I prayed or not because God is going to do what He thinks is best anyway... Right.. WRONG! God wanted me to experience a relationship with Him and we do that through prayer and worship. I worried every single day of my pregnancy.. worried that something would happen to my baby.. and every single day God would give me a peace that I just could not accept. That again was Satan attacking me. Satan does not want us to experience God's joy and he will do everything in his power to take that joy away from us. But now.. I have this beautiful baby girl and every time I look at her I see how far God has brought me and the reasons why he brought me down the path He did. He does do everything for a reason.. and sometimes we do not know what that reason is and sometimes He reveals that reason to us. I look at MT and see a reason. I see that I wouldn't have her if I hadn't had to face the trials I did and I can't imagine not holding her or loving her. Joy came through my brokenness. I wasn't joyful when I was suffering, but through my brokenness I was able to experience the Joy that only can come from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is so incredibly awesome and I see everyday a new way He has chosen to bless me. I hope that if you do not know Him or have a relationship with Him that you will choose to get to know Him. He is the best friend you could ever have and He will never hurt you, leave you, or give up on you. He loves you with a true unconditional love and He truly wants what is best for each of us. Hope that somehow my story will help someone else that may be going through a trial of some kind.It does get better!!! "Count it all JOY, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1: 2-4

Is God Fair?

Through my study of Joshua and Judges, I never questioned God's fairness in regard to the Canaanites.  I guess in my little mind, I just think that God is God and He can do whatever He pleases.  It's His world, and we are all just living in it.  But this morning, as I was reading in Genesis 15, Dr. J. Vernon McGee brought up this particular topic in his commentary of that chapter.  Then I thought to myself, just because I've never really questioned the fairness of God regarding the Canaanites, doesn't mean other people haven't questioned it.  So I dug deeper.  I don't need to defend God's judgments in any way, because He is God and I think He can pretty much take care of Himself.  But I do want to help you understand, through my research of this topic, that God WAS just and fair to the Canaanites, just like He is still just and fair to us today. 


Everything that I am going to present, I obtained from other sources through research.


Okay, so here is the big question.  Was it fair for God to order the destruction of the Canaanites so that His people (the Israelites) could enter into possession of the land?


Well you know that I can't just outright answer that question just yet! I have to give you some background.


Genesis 9: 18-27
¹⁸The sons of Noah who went forth from the ark were Shem, Ham, and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan.) 19 These three were the sons of Noah, and from these the people of the whole earth were dispersed. 20 Noah began to be a man of the soil, and he planted a vineyard. 21 He drank of the wine and became drunk and lay uncovered in his tent. 22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brothers outside. 23 Then Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father. Their faces were turned backward, and they did not see their father’s nakedness. 24 When Noah awoke from his wine and knew what his youngest son had done to him, 25 he said, "Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be to his brothers." 26 He also said, "Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem; and let Canaan be his servant. 27 May God enlarge Japheth, and let him dwell in the tents of Shem, and let Canaan be his servant."


This passage lets us know where the Canaanites came from and gives us some very important information concerning them.  In this set of verses we see that Noah cursed his son, Ham, although not directly.  He specifically said, "Cursed be Canaan." Canaan was the son of Ham, and Amor was the son of Canaan.  The Amorites came from Amor and it is my understanding that the Amorites were a clan of the Canaanites.  I'm no Bible scholar, so please feel free to clear this up in the comments section of my blog.  But for the purpose of this study, I have used the terms interchangeably.


Now I want us to look in Leviticus to learn more about the Canaanites and their character.


Leviticus 18: 24-28 (The highlighted portions I placed here for clarification)
²⁴Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations (Canaanites) that I am going to drive out before you became defiled. ²⁵ Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants (Canaanites). ²⁶ But you must keep my decrees and my laws. The native-born (Israelites) and the foreigners residing among you must not do any of these detestable things, ²⁷ for all these things were done by the people (Canaanites) who lived in the land before you, and the land became defiled. ²⁸ And if you defile the land, it will vomit you out as it vomited out the nations (Canaanites) that were before you.


Here, we can see just how awful the sins of the Canaanites had become by the time the Israelites began to take possession of the land.  Their wickedness had reached such a point that the land itself is said to have become defiled, and that this land vomited them out.  But some may wonder if they had sufficient opportunity to turn away from their sins before God's judgment came upon them?  Well we have to go back to the book of Genesis to answer this question.

Genesis 15: 13-16
 ¹³ Then the Lord said to Abram, “You can be sure that your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land, where they will be oppressed as slaves for 400 years. ¹⁴ But I will punish the nation that enslaves them, and in the end they will come away with great wealth. ¹⁵ (As for you, you will die in peace and be buried at a ripe old age.) ¹⁶ After four generations your descendants will return here to this land, for the sins of the Amorites do not yet warrant their destruction.”

400 years! I believe God was more than fair and just with these people.  It says right here in His word that he gave them 400 years to turn back to him.  God loved the people who already occupied the land of Canaan and I believe he desperately wanted them to turn to Him.  I do not think that God desired for these people to be destroyed.  I think that rather, He wanted them to repent. But some of you "deep thinkers" out there still have questions because you see that God had already said in His word that this destruction would happen.  BUT, let's read some verses in Jeremiah that will hopefully clear this up for you.

Jeremiah 18: 7-8
⁷ If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, ⁸ and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned.

So there you have it! You can now know that IF these Canaanites would have truly repented and turned to God then He would have relented and not inflicted the disaster upon them that He had originally planned. 

I believe that God was very gracious with the inhabitants of the promised land.  He gave them 400 years!  He even told Abraham that the Israelites would sojourn for this amount of time, meaning they couldn't enter into the land, since the sin of the Amorites was not yet complete.  He gave the Amorites 400 years to repent of their sins!  But even after 400 years, they still hadn't repented.  So God used the Israelites as his instrument of judgment. 

So back to our original question: Was it fair of God to order the destruction of the Canaanites so that his people could enter into the land to possess it? 

YES!  He gave them more than enough time to return to Him, but they chose not too.  They loved their sin and hated God, thus rejecting Him.  I think that after 400 years, God's patience wore pretty thin with these people and his judgment on them was very reasonable. 

So what can all of this teach us?  I believe if you have not yet allowed Jesus to be Lord of your life, turning away from your own sins, and giving your life to Him, then you should ask yourself this question: How much time is God going to give you before his patience runs out?  We are not promised the next breath, much less another day here on this earth.  Do not let one more second pass you by!  You may think you have enough time or that God's judgment is never coming, but I have news for you - His judgment is coming and I think that day draws closer and closer with every passing breath.  We are living in a world that loves sin and hates God.  So ask yourself, How much longer will God tarry before He takes His people home?  I hope that you are certain that when He does return, you will be going home with Him.  Because if you are not saved, then you can be certain of this: God will send you to hell.  And you may say, well that's just not fair.  But friend, God has been MORE THAN FAIR and MORE THAN PATIENT with our world today.  He loves you with every ounce of His being and nothing makes him happier than when someone accepts His free gift of salvation.  I am brought to tears thinking about his grace and mercy!  Please know today where you will spend eternity.  Come to Jesus now.  His arms are outstretched.  He is waiting.  He is waiting for you.

RESOURCES:

The Bible
Thru the Bible with J. Vernon Mcgee, Vol. 1: Genesis-Deuteronomy
www.answersfromthebook.org
www.gotquestions.org