As I'm starting to write this, I don't even know for sure if I will publish it. Who wants the world (or even a few close friends) to know what my imperfections and struggles are? But maybe by sharing what I have been going through, will help someone else. And maybe writing about it will help me.
For the past several weeks, I have been in a big time spiritual low. Almost a depression, which I know immediately can not be from God. I just feel sad all the time and I don't know how to fix it. I am not a sad person. I almost don't know how to be sad about nothing. But I am. I would like to think it's the pregnancy hormones, or the exhaustion, the pain from my gall bladder, the sleepless nights... and I'm sure that's part of it.. but maybe there is something more.
Most of my adult life I have struggled with my salvation. I have struggled with doubts. I have struggled with the fact that God's gift to me is exactly that.. a gift.. no strings attached.. no works involved.. no merit earned on my part. It just seems too easy. But I as I was rocking Mary Tate today and praying for help because I didn't know what else to pray for.. this little voice inside my head said that God doesn't trick people. Nothing about salvation is a trick. God says in His word that it is a gift freely given to all who accept His Son. He doesn't expect one thing in return. Nothing. He loves me that much. So why do I struggle with this? I don't think I'm the only one. There has to be others out there who feel the way I feel. I feel guilty. Guilty that I have wasted most of my life living for myself. Doing absolutely nothing for my Savior.
But then I turn to Romans. Romans is probably my favorite book in the Bible because it reminds me that ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. None is righteous.. no not one! It reminds me that I can't do ANYTING to earn God's grace. His grace, his love, his mercy have been freely given to me when I accepted Him as my Savior. He saved me FOR good works, not BY good works. My works cannot and will not save me.. only the precious blood of Jesus that was poured out for me.
But I want more desire, I want more of Him! And it makes me sad that I can't wake up one day and be this grown up, spiritually mature Christian who knows and understands everything. And then I'm reminded that if it were so easy, I might not have any need for a Savior. I'm learning second by second, that God is growing me into the person that He has made me to be. He is developing the fruits of the spirit in my life second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, year by year. And it won't ever stop as long as I allow the Spirit to work in my life. He who started a good work in me will see it through to completion and I believe that completion will come when I die, or when Jesus returns. Then I will be complete. Complete because I will be with Him.
But I still worry, I still have anxiety. But God's word says to not be anxious about anything but in EVERYTING with prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God. So I'm working on that. And I ask that you pray for me.
