Spiritual Depression. Not a great place to be. But this is where I have found myself for the past few years. I have good days and then I have really down days, where the heaviness of my spirit and the anguish of my heart is so incredibly unbearable, I can barely feel the grace and mercy of God. Satan knows this is my weakness, and he attacks me on all sides. No matter how many times I rebuke him and no matter how much Scripture I use against him, the attacks still grow stronger. I’ve allowed myself to become angry at God when these attacks are so strong I can’t even see straight. I don’t want to be angry with Him, but during these times, I am so distraught that I just want help. I just cry out, “God! You are more powerful than Satan. You already have victory over him. Why won’t you just help me!” But this help, this wonderful help, that I know for a fact is more powerful than the enemy, seems so far away. But something inside my heart, deep within my soul, draws me closer to God. In the times where I most want to just give up, throw my hands in the air, and tell God I’m done, that I can’t take it anymore - when I’m so angry at Him for not allowing me to just feel His presence and feel that He is fighting for me, interceding for me - these are the times when something pushes me closer to Him. I may not can feel Him. But He is right there doing the very thing I want Him to do. He is praying for me, groaning for me, interceding for me. He is fighting a spiritual battle for me that I am incapable of fighting myself. You may ask, “How do you know that He is in fact doing this for you?” Because His Word proclaims it. That is the promise I will stand on when I all I want to do is fall. When I feel nothing, I know that I can still stand firm in my faith. Not because of my own strength or capability but because of His. I want my faith and my belief to be perfected here on this earth, but that cannot happen. It will not be made perfect until I am united with Christ in heaven. So what I have to offer him, which is nothing, He will make sufficient. In the times where the doubts and fears are so all-consuming, I will look to the cross. The cross and the blood that so many people find offensive, I find precious. His precious blood is what takes away my sin and the sins of the whole world. He said that all I have to do is call upon His name, and I will be saved. The end. It is done, finished, and just as simple as that. So that is the faith, no matter how weak or feeble it may seem to me, that I will stand firm upon during this time of spiritual depression. I will no longer feel defeated, disappointed, and ashamed. I will feel joy and rejoice in my wonderful Savior. Because it is during the valleys that I will draw closer to Him. This is a time of growth, not a time of despair. I will not despair, and I will not be destroyed. I have freedom in Christ and I will not allow that freedom to be taken away from me. I will not give up the gospel of freedom for the yoke of slavery.
Last night, I wanted to read my Bible and have the Holy Spirit open the eyes of my heart to the precious Scripture and to help me understand how His word applies to me today. I have a daily Bible reading plan and the next set of passages were in 1 Kings. But for some reason, my eye jumped ahead to the book of Lamentations and something just made me go ahead and read that first. So I did. Now I know that all Scripture may not be directly written to me, but it is all written for me. I believe with all my heart, that my Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus, led me to this book. He knew I needed to be comforted and assured and He provided just what I needed when I couldn’t take any more oppression.
Lamentations 3: 17-33
..my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “my endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.” Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion” says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust - there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he causes grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.
verses 52-66
I have been hunted like a bird by those who were my enemies without cause; they flung me alive into the pit and cast stones on me; water closed over my head; I said, “I am lost.” I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, “Do not close your ear to my cry for help!” You came near when I called on you; you said, “Do not fear!” You have taken up my cause O Lord; you have redeemed my life. You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord; judge my cause. You have seen all their vengeance, all their plots against me. You have heard their taunts, O Lord, all their plots against me. The lips and thoughts of my assailants are against me all the day long. Behold their sitting and their rising; I am the object of their taunts. You will repay them, O Lord, according to the work of their hands. You will give them dullness of heart; your curse will be on them. You will pursue them in anger and destroy them from under your heavens, O Lord.
