Joy through Loss

This was from a post (last week) on my private blog that I share with friends and family but I thought some of you might benefit from reading my story. So here it is!

Monday, January 17.. My Grayson would have been 3 years old.  But God had a better plan for my life.  I believe with all my heart that he knows what is best for each and every one of His children, and I thank God that He is in control, because I would sure hate to know that something so great is up to me.  Looking back over the past 3 years, I see how God used my pain for His glory.  He has brought me and Josh into true fellowship with Him.  He has renewed my relationship with Josh.  He has changed my heart, my mind, and my soul.  I'm still not perfect, nor will I ever be.  His word says, that no one is righteous.. no not one!  But by the shedding of his blood, I am now clothed in His righteousness. As I look back over my testimony that I wrote a few years ago, I see things in a new light.  Although I wasn't angry at God at first, I did become angry at Him later.  Thank goodness it didn't last long.  But looking back, I should have never been angry with Him.  Although he allows suffering to come into our life, He doesn't cause it.  Pain and suffering that we experience here on this earth is a result of the fall of man.  We are all evil.  That is the human nature of EVERYONE.  But Christ came to give us a new nature.  I praise God for that all the time!  He is faithful and just ALL THE TIME.  Because he is faithful, he says in Revelation that one day He will wipe away every tear and there will be no more sadness.  PRAISE GOD!  When Grayson died, he was separated from me on this earth but I have hope and faith that we won't be separated forever.  I will see him again.  But I think that once I get to Heaven, I might not even think about Grayson.  I believe I will be in such awe of my Saviour that the things of this Earth will dim in comparison.  I hope that as you read this you will not see me at all.  It is my prayer that you will see only God and how great and wonderful He is. 


Testimony I wrote a couple of years ago:
I have felt really led by the Lord to share my journey with each of you. As many of you know over a year ago I miscarried twice... A little boy, Grayson and another baby that I carried for only 6 weeks. It was the most trying thing I have ever had to face in my life and I didn't know if I would ever make it through. I initially wanted to be angry at God but I knew if I let myself explore that anger I might never return from it. So I clung to Him and rested in his peace and strength. I didn't know why God was allowing me to experience so much pain but I knew it had to be a part of His will for my life. I had a Bible verse I read over and over again to give me strength. Romans 5: 2-5 says: "we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." I prayed that verse for my life so many times. I do want you to know that anger finally did come a few months later. I was so angry.. angry at God and myself. It was so hard for me to keep that renewed strength, trust, faith and peace. Satan really tried to attack me and keep me from trusting God. But through God's strength I made it through and knew that God ultimately knew and still knows what is best for me and he is not going to give me anything I cannot handle. When I became pregnant with MT, it became hard for me to pray. I didn't even know how to pray because I know that God is sovereign and I didn't think it would matter if I prayed or not because God is going to do what He thinks is best anyway... Right.. WRONG! God wanted me to experience a relationship with Him and we do that through prayer and worship. I worried every single day of my pregnancy.. worried that something would happen to my baby.. and every single day God would give me a peace that I just could not accept. That again was Satan attacking me. Satan does not want us to experience God's joy and he will do everything in his power to take that joy away from us. But now.. I have this beautiful baby girl and every time I look at her I see how far God has brought me and the reasons why he brought me down the path He did. He does do everything for a reason.. and sometimes we do not know what that reason is and sometimes He reveals that reason to us. I look at MT and see a reason. I see that I wouldn't have her if I hadn't had to face the trials I did and I can't imagine not holding her or loving her. Joy came through my brokenness. I wasn't joyful when I was suffering, but through my brokenness I was able to experience the Joy that only can come from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is so incredibly awesome and I see everyday a new way He has chosen to bless me. I hope that if you do not know Him or have a relationship with Him that you will choose to get to know Him. He is the best friend you could ever have and He will never hurt you, leave you, or give up on you. He loves you with a true unconditional love and He truly wants what is best for each of us. Hope that somehow my story will help someone else that may be going through a trial of some kind.It does get better!!! "Count it all JOY, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1: 2-4